Domestic Violence

Generally: Domestic violence, also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse or intimate partner violence, can be broadly defined as a pattern of abusive behavior by one or both partners in an intimate relationship such as marriage, dating, family, friends, or cohabitation. Domestic violence has many forms including physical aggression (hitting, kicking, biting, shoving, restraining, throwing objects), or threats thereof; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; controlling or domineering; intimidation; stalking; passive/covert abuse (e.g., neglect); and economic deprivation.

Legal Definition: "Domestic violence" means abuse committed against an adult or a minor who is a spouse, former spouse, cohabitant, former cohabitant, or person with whom the suspect has had a child or is having or has had a dating or engagement relationship. "Abuse" means intentionally or recklessly causing or attempting to cause bodily injury, or placing another person in reasonable apprehension of imminent serious bodily injury to himself or herself, or another. "Cohabitant" means two unrelated adult persons living together for a substantial period of time, resulting in some permanency of relationship. Factors that may determine whether persons are cohabiting include, but are not limited to, (1) sexual relations between the parties while sharing the same living quarters, (2) sharing of income or expenses, (3) joint use or ownership of property, (4) whether the parties hold themselves out as husband and wife, (5) the continuity of the relationship, and (6) the length of the relationship. Cal. Pen. Code §§ 13700(a) - (b).

 Recognizing Domestic Violence:

Domestic violence often becomes a pattern made up of three stages

a) Batterer may: pick fights, act jealous, be possessive, be critical, yell, swear, use angry gestures, coercion, threats, be moody, unpredictable, drink or use drugs.

b) Partner may: feel like they are walking on egg shells, afraid, anxious, try to reason, act calm, appease the batterer or keep silent, try to keep children quiet.

2) Violence-crisis phase: 

a) Batterer may: verbally, emotionally or physical abuse, sexually assault, restrain or threaten partner, destroy property.

b) Partner may: experience fear, shock, use self-defense, try to leave, call for help, pray for it to stop, do what is necessary to survive.

3) Seduction-calm phase: 

a) Batter may: apologize, minimize or deny abuse, ask for forgiveness, be affectionate, promise it won‘t happen again and to change, give gifts.*

b) Partner may: forgive, feel hopeful that the abuse will stop on its own, feel manipulated, blame self, arrange for counseling, return home, minimize or deny abuse.

*3 dynamics, love, hope & fear, keep the cycle in motion & make it hard to end a violent relationship

Love for your partner: "The relationship has its good points, it's not all bad."
Hope: "The relationship will change, it didn't start out this way."
Fear: That threats to kill you or your family will acted upon.

If this sounds like you or someone you know, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help at 1-800-799-7233

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